These are the days which I spend in long hours of interospective interrogation, reflections upon my life and the world in general. My thoughts are filled with questions of purpose. What is my purpose? Am I making a difference? What does God want me to be doing?
Like a plague these questions bedazzle my mind’s eyes, the sheer depth of them is a constant reminder of my failure to capitalize on my current state of idleness. I’m in a rut where I hear nothing from God but silence. He is constant, yet quite, and I am unsure if it is for my sake, or because of my lack of faith.
The nagging feeling that something in my life is holding me back from fulfilling the Will of God for me, it lays heavy on my heart. Many a night I’ve spent in doubt, questioning my desires and plans; oft times I scoff at my own lack of direction and purpose as if it were God’s fault that I am dormant.
I need, have needed, and will always need revival for my soul. The day to day travail of doing nothing when a wealth of time is before me has taken its toll on my mind. It is maddening to think that I may be the cause of my own failures when I so desperately want to succeed. Am I not asking the right questions? Am I not praying for the right things?
Guidance from a heavenly source is my sought after desire of the moment. Lord, what would you have me do? Show me the way. It is in times such as these, when lethargy and troubling doubt falls upon my soul, that I turn to God’s bridge for me: music.
Music is my island, my escape. I don’t have to think, I’m taken away from my troubles on the wings of a song. That is why I am so excited about this week. This week is the week of the National Quartet Convention or NQC, in Pigeon Forge, TN. NQC is the largest event in Southern Gospel Music, a week of singing with over 144 artists performing and hundreds of exhibitors. The days, from 4-11 are filled with music from some of my favorite artists, including my own family.
If ever there was an event, a time to be revived, resuscitated from my living death it is here and it is now.
Music, like no other element, stirs my heart and rocks my soul in ways I cannot even express. The feelings run deeper when I know the singers on a personal level and their songs mean more to me. I want a difinitive word from God. I want a clear yes or no, but that’s not what he wants for me right now. Perhaps only in searching can we find meaning. If I were content I would not be longing, if I were satisfied I would not be looking, if I were al-knowing I would not be wondering.
God wants me to come to Him on His terms, not mine. And, though I know what to do, I don’t always act upon it. I want to know things now, my flesh fails in virtues such as patience. But, God loves me enough to conceal it, my future, He keeps me yearning for Him and His words by hiding a treasure that will one day be revealed.
Though I hate the wait, I love the master. I trust His timing is what I need, and all things He has brought together for my good because I love Him. Wait on the Lord, be of good courage and He will strengthen your heart.
As always, thanks for reading, it means a lot.
–the anonymous novelist