Pine trees… This post was an idea from my cousin, Ben. To start with, I’d just like to thank him for this in the most sarcastic way possible… thanks Ben, I’ve always wanted to have to find a reason for why Pine trees don’t grow pineapples.
So, given that we have a premise like this, I’d rather not be stereotypical about finding a reason to do the impossible. Rather, I’d just like to tell you a story about the first pine tree to ever grow a pineapple.
In the summer of 1814, a cosmonaut named Fred flew to the moon in a small matchbox car that his son had made for the downhill derby that weekend. Fred loved it on the moon, even though it wasn’t very bright and puny, nothing could’ve been crater. You see, Fred was once a little boy too, when he was five years old, he planted a sesame seed in the backyard of his home. His dad had told him at the time that the seed would grow better if he had taken it off of the hamburger bun first, and then planted it, but Fred didn’t care.
9 months later, Fred was fishing in the Dead Sea… He hadn’t caught a single fish all day, and was beginning to wonder if he was should’ve baited the hook. That’s when his friend Tommy Bobbins ran up and told him that the sesame seed he had planted had grown into a great big cucumber. Frank was ecstatic, mostly because he had just caught a bird on his fishing line and it was carrying him off into the sky.
Fred knew he needed to get down without falling and dying, so he bought a parachute from a salesman bird who happened to be flying by at the time. Employing this parachute, he began his own mobile gas station for birds.
The parachute managed inventory and was the leading salesman 3 months in a row until the business crashed. Literally, the bird had flown into the side of a cliff because he was nearsighted and it looked like the windshield of a semi truck. As Fred, the parachute, and the large, nearsighted bird fell to the ground, Fred remembered he had a toothpick in his pocket. This did him absolutely no good, but he was glad that he didn’t forget it was there, because he was planning on eating sushi later and it always sticks in his teeth.
Around this time, the parachute suggested that they use it as a way to not die. Which, (because everyone knows that parachutes can’t talk), looked a little strange, but it was okay because Fred couldn’t hear anyway. So Fred grabbed the bird and opened the parachute. Only, he opened it upside down, so instead of floating down, they floated up, higher and higher until they reached the moon.
Fred thought, “Well, this is all that bird’s fault. If ever catch that bird I’ll shoot him.” However, having no gun, Fred grabbed the parachute and parashot the bird. But the bird was quick and cut and sewed a pair of slacks for Fred out of the parachute. Therefore inventing the original parachute pants.
The bird and Fred went into business together and started an epidemic of parachute pants with their slogan, “Fred did the moonwalk in parachute pants, so can you.”
Fred changed his name to something more ambiguous and retired a wealthy millionaire, employing many parachutes to help around the house and he and the bird lived happily ever after.
And then they all died.
And that’s why pineapples don’t grow on pine trees.
As always, thanks for reading.
—the anonymous novelist